Mono no Aware: The Impermanence of Things

Shoot, I forgot who the poet is (Basho?) but I found this in my journal (the one where I write the really secret stuff ;) hehe) Anyway... just thought I'd share.

NOT MY POEM.

Poem 1

Why should my heart

remain stained

by blossoms,

When I thought I had tossed that all away?

___________________

Poem 2

Trailing in the wind

Fuji's smoke

fades into the sky

destination unknown

just like my own thoughts

旅行について

最後のユニットは旅行について：

Not recommended to use in-browser translators (such as chrome) as translation is usually inaccurate. Also, if anyone speaks Japanese and wishes to correct anything, I'd be tickled pink and much obliged as I'm sure there are some mistakes. YOU MAY NEED TO ADJUST BROWSER ENCODING IN ORDER TO READ THE CHARACTERS.　Who knows, maybe I'll post these on Lang-8 eventually~~　

一番印象が残っている旅行

　私の人生の中で一番印象が残っている旅行は、高校4年生前の初めて日本へ行った時です。ずっと旅行ではなくて、留学でした。その機会を本当に感謝をしています。一人で私の出身地のポートランドから出発して、13時間ぐらい後では、日本の成田空港に着きました。その時、本当に素敵なホストファミリーがありました。そのホストファミリーと一緒に、貴重な思い出を作れたんです。

　あまり「旅」というしたくなかったんです。私の好きな旅行は文化に触れられる、土地の人と会える「旅」が一番好きです。そのようなたびをしたら、本当に気分転換ができると思います。私はその気分転換が大好きです。それで、毎日の生活に接することができる旅は一番やりたい旅です。

　しかし、一日ホストファミリーと観光旅行をしました。その日、みんなで京都へ行きました。あそこで、色々な面白いことをしました。もちろんお寺（清水寺、金閣寺）とお城（二条城）に行って、で、楽しいことをしました。それは、初めておいしい抹茶パフェーと人力車に乗せて、ごらせてくださいました。みんあさんの親切さをけしてわすれません。

　まぁ、これで今日の書き物をおわりま～す。

　疲れました！

依頼の仕方

このトピックで何もかけませんが、学んだ・すぐ使える表現を書いて置きます。

Not recommended to use in-browser translators (such as chrome) as translation is usually inaccurate. Also, if anyone speaks Japanese and wishes to correct anything, I'd be tickled pink and much obliged as I'm sure there are some mistakes.

依頼の仕方

ー依頼の仕方、役に立つ表現ー

前置き：

友達：今ちょっといい？

同僚：今ちょっといいですか？

　　　お願いしたいことがあるんですけど。。。

丁寧：ごめんください・すみません・失礼します

　　　今、よろしいでしょうか？

理由：

友達：実は、（理由）んだけど。。。

同僚：実は、（理由）のですが。。。

丁寧：実は、（理由）のですが・（けど）。。。

依頼：

友達：VBてくれない？

　　　VBてもらえないかな～

　　　VBてくれないかな～

同僚：VBてくださいませんか？　

　　　VBてもらえませんか？

　　　VBてもらえないかと思って。。。

丁寧：VBてくださいませんか？

　　　VBていただけませんか？

　　　VBていただけないかと思いまして。。。

感謝：

友達：ありがとうね

　　　悪かったね、ありがとう

　　　助かったよ

同僚：ありがとうございます

　　　ありがとう、助かりました

丁寧：（場合によって違います、よく言えるのは。。。）

　　　お忙しいところ、お手数をかけて申し訳ございません。

　　　申し訳ございません。本当に助かりました。どうもありがとうございます。

以上かな。。。また断り方を学んだ。一番大事なポイントは理由をあげることだった。また、他にできることを言ったほうがいいです。（おすすめ）（～たらどうですか？　～たらいかがですか？）

ユニットで忘れやすかった言葉：

両替：りょうがえ：TO MAKE　（COIN)　CHANGE

出前：でまえ：DELIVERY

配達：はいたつ：DELIVERY

交換：こうかん（する）：TO　EXCHANGE

取替え：とりかえ：　TO　EXCHANGE　（MERCHANDISE)

ふぅ～～～～難しかった、そのユニット～！

アパートを探しています（本当じゃない〕

Not recommended to use in-browser translators (such as chrome) as translation is usually inaccurate. Also, if anyone speaks Japanese and wishes to correct anything, I'd be tickled pink and much obliged as I'm sure there are some mistakes.

アパートを探しています

（本当ではありません。。。でも運がよかったらいつか日本へ行けるようになったら、もちろん、住めるを探さなくてはいけませ～ん。）

アパートを探しています。私は目が高いではないのですが、アパートでほしいものはいくつかあります。一つの大切だと思っているものは冷暖房です。私は暑いのと寒いのは弱いから、冷暖房はいります。主人と住んでいますから、１Rと1Kの狭いアパートやマンションはダメです。1LDKか1LKでもいいです。きれいな浴室があったらいいなと思っていますが、それは夢でのアパートなんです。一生で日本に住める機会は1つだけかも知らないので、和室、畳がある部屋があったら嬉しいと思います。便利な所ではなくても、静かな住宅街に住みたいです。にぎやかなうるさいところだと困ります。最寄駅は徒歩15分、20分でもいい。歩くのは好きなんですから。運動の時間はなくても、その歩くの時間はうすい運動の時間になります~~＜３

自己紹介

Not recommended to use in-browser translators (such as chrome) as translation is usually inaccurate. Also, if anyone speaks Japanese and wishes to correct anything, I'd be tickled pink and much obliged as I'm sure there are some mistakes.

読んでいる方へ、

この書き物は、実には、日本語話し方期末試験のためのものです。会話パーテナーは期末試験の週の間見つけにくいですから、このブログでその試験のための練習をしています。

では、よろしくお願いします

自己紹介

こんにちは

マリヤ・オーディオと申します。

　オレゴン州の出身で、ヒルズボロ市というオレゴンの一番大きい都市（ポートランド）の近くのヒルズボロー市という住宅街で育てたのです。住宅街以外に、ヒルズボローで盛んの産業は工業、IT産業（半導体工場いくつかあります）、と農業。ヒルズボロー市はオレゴンの有名なウィラメット谷にあります。ウィラメット谷で盛んの産業は農業（果物（ぶどう・りんご））ぶどうがありますので、ワインの工場もたくさんあります。酪農も盛んです。ティラムックと言うチーズとアイスクリーム工場はオレゴンにあります。

　オレゴンの冬はずっと雨が降ります。時々雪が降ってきますが、普通に雨だけです。日本みたいに長い梅雨です。でも、春が終わってから乾燥していて、過ごしやすいところになります。それで、春の最後と夏ではオレゴンの豊かな自然を楽しめると思います。

　経歴についてですが、オレゴン大学東アジア言語・文学部の日本語の専攻です。日本語は高校の時から勉強していて、長く持つの夢は日本で英語の教師になることです。高校の時2回日本の高校で留学することができて、本当に人生の中では明るい思い出です。大学では2年間以上アメリカン・インギリシュ・インツイーツ（AMERICAN　ENGLISH　INSTITUTE)の家庭教師（英語のツターと授業とイベントのアシスタント）をしていますから、それは教えるのためにとてもいい経験だと思っています。

どうぞよろしくお願いします。

I'm Back

I'm back after the (short) Thanksgiving Break. Actually, it felt pretty long (because there are basically no breaks at my university...) I think I've been seeing some improvement. This is all I'm taking now:

If you have any issue this does not substitute for seeking treatment from anyone. It is merely a description of what is happening in my life. When in doubt always seek help from a qualified provider.

-fish oil, breakfast/dinner

-low dose B-vitamin with C (Solgar), 1 at breakfast

-magnesium glycinate (1 50 tablet, breakfast and dinner)

-taurine 1000 mg, breakfast and dinner

-zinc citrate 15 (mg?)

-vitamin D3 drops for kids (low dose)

-5-HTP, 50 mg, 1x a day, when I sense that I'm getting tearful and on edge again

ALSO... trying to avoid copper

So far so good on that. Vitamin D3, despite my deficiency in it, consistently seems to give me an on-edge sort of feeling. I try to take it earlier in the day. It's been about 3 weeks since I have seen any doctor so I am doing better. I have not had one night where I could not fall asleep for a few weeks now. Things are slowly but surely stabilizing... I really don't know what happened. It was probably a combination of the detox diet I was doing (even though it was not extreme! I was following a paleo diet... lean proteins, light on carb, rich in vegetables and fruits.) Fruits can set me off I guess. Then I tried an herbal mixture... I still think there is something really wonky with my immune system and that there is probably some kind of toxin left from the vaccine, or even if the toxins don't bother people, not all people have the same immune response to those toxins. There is a protocol outlined by Dr. Baylock (Blaylock) for treating negative vaccine reactions advising against any mushroom/immune stimulating extracts. Something there is still dysfunctional, which is evident because I have had a low-level mono infection for more than 2 years. He's really good, he wrote one of my favorite books: "Excitotoxins: The Taste that Kills" all about MSG and aspartate... not the BEST book in the world but it was pretty good.

Let's see... what else is working...

-prayer and meditation

-avoiding googling my symptoms (for the health anxiety that all these symptoms started... I'll admit it is there but I really don't think it's everything...)

-www.anxietyzone.com-- a bunch of people with crazy symptoms... who are surviving... it helps with my feeling of being all alone in this

Max's brother is here. There's a lot of getting acquainted we still have to do but just like my health, I'll just take it slow and natural. I really want things to work out but it has stirred up some anxiousness and requires some adjusting but nothing too crazy. I have a speaking final in Japanese tomorrow (so I'm going to take my studying to the net and just write out some of the potential dialogues/things I may say tomorrow to help me study) and if you have fun reading Japanese, by all means

どうぞ、読んでもいいです。

Enchiladas

~Espinaca Edition~

I blanched some spinach breifly and lined the edges with it... I can eat for 3-4 days on this in a household of 2~

So one of the things I like to do when I'm feeling better is cook. Haha these enchiladas are a real favorite for me and oh-so-healthy (well, if you're not sensitive) I made them a little too spicy this time around and the lining of my stomach wasn't very happy with me today. Regardless it was quite a treat after living on my husband's cooking (bless his heart.)

Enchiladas (makes 4-5 large enchiladas)

1 onion, or 3/4 a large onion (cut roughly)

1-2 bell peppers

around 4 button cap mushrooms

black beans

sweet corn

black olives

2-3 small roma tomatoes, 2 round tomatoes (depending on size)

Enchilada sauce (whatever you prefer, I buy the all-natural organic local sauce... so it's probably not available everywhere but I would advise watching for hydrolyzed soy protein and MSG listed as ingredients and other preservatives)

Large-standard size tortillas of your preference

(1) About a pound and a half of protein (beef, chicken, buffalo, tofu, or even spinach and cheese filling, protein is cooked with taco seasoning (again, watch for preservatives and flavor enhancers if it's a concern) and onions and some of the mushroom, and reserved.

(2) put the chopped bell pepper, tomatoes, onion, mushroom, olive, beans, and corn in the bottom of the pan and spoon in some of the enchilada sauce

(3) take the reserved meat and put into tortilla, fold into long enchilada, cover with sauce (like painting) and put cheese on top if desired

(4) Bake for 30 minutes (covered) and garnish with chopped green onions and cilantro, bake for another ten (uncovered)

But really this dish is as personal as one wants to make it. Easily substituted and removed if there are any food distastes or sensitivities.

Scarves of the Year

As promised, the scarves I have made this year.

View one is the entire collection:

White, Green: Garter stitch, 100% acrylic, Lion Brand Yarn "Homespun" (I don't like it personally but I got a great deal on it at Goodwill)

Pink/White: 100% Wool (very soft), garter stitch alternating color.

Brown: 100% undyed Wool (coarse but not overly so and very warm), garter stitch/ 3*3 seed stitch, and stockingnette with garter boarder (although that doesn't keep it from rolling.

Busy-ish and Some Treats

I guess I have been improving this week. There was only one night where I really had trouble getting to sleep... magnesium and taurine help a lot. I found an interesting article about how you need magnesium in order for vitamin-D to be properly converted into an active and useful form for the body. If not one might feel some side effects from taking it... which might explain why I always feel a little more anxious when I take vitamin D, possibly because I don't have enough magnesium... I don't have the link handy now but a simple google search turned it up.

Otherwise... it's the usual, school, knitting, and I went back to the Korean restaurant with a friend last night and we did karaoke. It's a little expensive but I understand every place has their upkeep costs and it was pretty fun. They had all the Japanese and English songs that I was interested in singing. I guess I've got to learn some Korean songs too to round it out a bit. If only I were a little better at singing.

I wanted to post some pictures of the knit scarves I've made throughout the summer and this fall as well as some enchiladas that I made tonight, but that will have to wait for another night. I'm feeling really tired... probably all the sleepless nights catching up with me.

Korean in Eugene

Yummy Dol-sotbap in Jeju, Korea

So while I'm woefully ignorant of Korean culture (especially with my quasi-literacy of Japanese culture considered)... I do know what Korean eats in Eugene I would classify as GOOD. And for the most part, I will be honest, they are ALL GOOD.

With that said, I will say that my favorite Korean eats in Eugene are as follows:

-Cafe Ari-rang: food and sweet owners

-Sushi Seoul: dry cleaning, food, karaoke, American, breakfast, lunch, dinner, late night, sweet owners

__________

Backups: Cafe Seoul , Korea House, Noodle Bowl (people love noodle bowl, however, I personally prefer to go to the places where they state outright that they do not use MSG based on my sensitivities) I would say all of them have good service and usually there is a sweet owner-type figure around that really makes you feel at home. Not the feeling you get when you go to all the commercialized restaurants these days.

So I knew that there was this little area of Eugene that was suspiciously Korean. There was what looked like a basic sort of "go buy your lotto-ticket and get a philly-steak sandwich, coffee" kind of cafe by the supermarket I go to next to a dry-cleaning shop... when I noticed that there was a cryptic little message beside the door... that was a Korean menu where they had Korean food a few days of the week. Then, just a week ago, I noticed that the whole place had changed and the name was now "Sushi Seoul" The food is good~~~ extremely fresh and delicious side dishes (kim ch'i and various pickled things) My favorite for hot-stone bi-bim-bap (Korean vegetable rice with spicy sauce dish) is still Ari-Rang but theirs wasn't bad and the bulgogi was really good. So now they have Korean food all the time, they've added in sushi at dinnertime, and still have the American and cafe options going all day long. You can go there for breakfast, lunch, dinner... and if you're feeling especially rambunctious you can stay and get drunk and do karaoke into the night. Just know that it's a norae-bang. It's quite the multi-tasking establishment.

My husband would be so mad at me for writing this but I can't resist ;) Where is the harm in saying that it is "so Korean"... when it is? Of course, just like America, Korea is a lot of things so it's hard to put anything in a box like that. I mean, you can say, Red Robin is "so American", or around here we have a local chain gaining force called Dickie Jo's... I wouldn't feel offended... but that's because I have to answer the question so much "What is America?", "What is American culture" so much... and the more I answer the question the more difficult it becomes... so if anyone out there knows what American culture is, please let me know. It will really help me in my work.

On Depression, Anxiety, and Inflammation (LINK)

Human Interleukin-10, Wikimedia Commons

Yoon, S.I., Logsdon, N.J., Sheikh, F., Donnelly, R.P., Walter, M.R. Conformational changes mediate IL-10R2 binding to IL-10 and assembly of the signaling complex. J.Biol.Chem. , 2006

an anti-inflammatory human cytokine (the bad guys that make you feel sick when you catch a virus or your immune system is active) I was under the impression that cytokines are always bad guys in excess, but as with everything in the human body, it's all about a balance. Fascinating character, can't explain it better than wikipedia so I suggest you check there if you're interested.

Looking at it isn't gonna change your life, but for me it was nostalgic to look at the pig-tail "alpha helices" Doesn't look like there are any beta sheets going on... hummm (= __ -)

Not much to note. I get to keep working because I told my story and they took me at my word which is a relief because I do not want to have to scan a bunch of documents from doctors (getting the documents is enough of a struggle and doctors are busy enough... all the bureaucratic stuff must certainly be a hindrance to the overloaded system)

Tutoring was fun today. Slept ok. Slightly rough start but did ok and didn't feel like my mouth was going numb when I was trying to tutor today... no anxiety but I think I definitely have a 5-HTP related headache today and feel drugged, sleepy, and achy. Made it through my test but my head was hurrrrr-ting. Not a migraine or anything, I think it's definitely a side effect of the 5-HTP and all 5-HTPs little helpers (taurine, magnesium). Lunch and drinking water definitely HELPED with the headache. So adequate food and water is definitely a must while I'm on this stuff...

The things they do not take you in biology. I cannot tell you the degree of how exothermic or endothermic the binding of a protein to a cell receptor site is (I don't really care) but I'm definitely getting fluent at reading articles... and kind of feel a nostalgic sort of pangs when I read articles (such as the one linked below) and I see little protein model depictions... nostalgic pangs for biology class... it's too bad they make it so damn hard for people to succeed. And the immense frustration I feel that that is what science must be about... who cares if you can understand the bigger picture, if you are interested in specific research questions that are relevant to the times and needs of society... why should potential pioneers be turned away and disenfranchised because they do not fit into the painful molds that university's create to measure success? I've learned more in outside reading than I have ever learned in a lecture hall. Perhaps the base of my difficulty focusing on the subjects is my disinterest in what they force me to learn. And it's not even disinterest but I think the pressure and inflated importance placed on test performance... I can try to understand the abstract concepts or I can drill my faculties down to naught studying what feel like relative frivolities that show up on tests. Absolutely maddening to do 67 work when you feel like you have understanding.

http://intelegen.com/nutrients/natural_support_for_depression.htm

Very interesting article... interesting that historically anti-depressant herbs... and even modern remedies... act as anti-inflammatories in the body. I do believe in the neuro-immune research that is coming out that is showing a lot of how vaccines do damage is getting somewhere. And don't even get me started on the environmental-endocrine hypothesis. And excitotoxins. I'll try to avoid falling into putting stock in conspiracy theories... (neither of the above mentioned are [conspiracy theories], although they can certainly lead one to think they are) but many do comethe notion (in error) that progress is positive and that the latest and greatest can't possibly pose to mind. I like to think the only evil thing at play here is man's despicable love of money...

Again I was actually able to tell something of a story in my blog today. It must mean that something is getting better.

Almost Normal

Almost normal today. Rough start as usual... still night sweaty but no panic last night (with the help of Ativan...)

Met with my functional doc and we'll try magnesium, 5-HTP, taurine, and l-threonine and see if that helps. I sure hope so. Today was almost normal. I'll leave it there before I start thinking of what might happen.

Then I found out I might get fired because I reduced my course load this term and in the heat of it all forgot to sound the alarm to the bureaucratic workings of the university... don't know what I'll do without my job... it's the only thing I have going for me. I guess I can show up to the job and just tell them to go ahead and not pay me. It's not like I quit my classes because I caught a cold or just decided I didn't want to take the classes... hopefully it can get sorted out. I really hope so.

Today I registered for three classes for next term. That is Japanese 4th year speaking part II, Korean 1st year part two (I really need to bite the bullet and learn Korean... I can understand a lot of speaking but can't express anything myself), and an Honors College Lit class. If I'm going to be stuck at uni for another year then I might as well just stay to write a thesis and finish the honors college classes despite my aversion.

Korean is pretty hard at my school... it's pretty project, activity, and memorization oriented but class is really the only thing that motivates me to study it even though I really want to learn so I can communicate with my husband's family. Japanese class really isn't that way... even when there are projects they are no way near as intense.

Look at that. I'm writing about something other than feeling sick. That must mean something is getting a little better.

But I'm really bent out of shape worrying if I will loose my job... I think my situation warrants and exception to the bureaucratic rule mumbo jumbo. I'd feel so guilty telling my student "I can't meet you anymore, I've been feeling sick, doctors can't tell me why, but I'm working on it... though I had to drop some classes..."... because I really like her and she thought highly enough of me to request me as a tutor this term. I suppose I would ask permission if I could just continue to tutor her without pay... if they want to stick to the rules that hard. But I really couldn't continue the classes. The first 4 weeks of school were just nuts and then the most recent 4 weeks have been more insanity and trying to recover. Even without studying though, I got 67 on my first bio exam and 65 on my first physics exams. I do know that I would've never been able to make it through looking at what the weeks since I dropped the classes have been like.

I thought I would have made a good doctor or naturopath. Or both. But I'm just not cut out for the bureaucratic requirements, course requirements, grade expectations. I don't function that way anymore. I can get through in subjects I have innate ability in such as foreign language (but that isn't so good because I have little contact with friends now... it's the horrible feeling of being an outsider in your own life...) My Japanese would be so much better but I haven't been able to go to International Coffee Hour once this term (the most lively meetings are the first in the term anyway, it peters out toward the end when the same old faces and same old groups of friends come together... much harder to get in to get to know people, maybe it's just something I imagine but it does feel harder when everyone already knows who they like to get drunk with on the weekend...) And I can't even keep up with the exchange students when I am feeling healthy... feel like you gotta be the one to initiate everything... they don't have the same course load (although I am sympathetic to the issues of adjustment, cultural differences, and perhaps not feeling comfortable just asking people to do things... they are out of their element... having a lot of fun... but still out of their elements)

Proof that I was happy once? Jan 1st, 2007, Ichinomiya, Aichi, Japan OSHOGATSU

And maybe deep down this whole time I really have just wanted to go back to Japan, or at least in my area of passion. Although I cannot say that I am not passionate about wanting to help people and see more right than wrong in this world, or at least look at the medical issues from different perspectives. There's deep conflict in my personality and ambitions... maybe it's because I'm two star-signs? But they sort of work together. Sagittarius/Scorpio. Sagittarius is always on the move and looking for action... and Scorpio is intense, vengeful, and perceptive. But I'll just have to put those things behind me. But I don't see how those elements couldn't work together.

Sorry about the wonky formatting... I couldn't figure out how to do away with the underline.

Cautiously optimistic that this might be turning around, cautiously. That does not mean that I am not freaked about what's been going on, the future, and what's going on with my job. But I really hope my boss trusts me and that there is something that can be done... I do have the documentation to prove that things have been going crazy.

Two Good Days and Backslide

I gave a homeopathic remedy from my naturopath a try the other day... along with the 5-HTP and basic multivitamin I've been taking and had a very good night Thursday...

Friday I felt basically normal... weak and tired... but basically almost normal. I rode my bike to school, went confidently to the grocery store before riding home and ate a slice of pizza. Probably no good... no documented gluten sensitivity yet but I guess even people without gluten sensitivity can be negatively affected by it. Who knows. Sick of thinking about the world so critically when I just want to live. I just want to eat whatever and go out with friends... although I'm basically estranged from all my friends right now.Kinda have what I don't feel is an unfounded suspicion that they just think of me as someone who "always doesn't feel good." And I get really sick of being a wet blanket... so I guess it's for the best that I'm so distanced from everyone right now. Everything seems to be falling into place for everyone. I remember that feeling in the past... but it just feels like such a distant memory... almost like none of those wonderful things ever happened. And I wouldn't want to ruin such beautiful feelings for anyone. Although I feel so crushingly alone. So guilty for my family having to go through this.

I had energy to pick some stuff up around the house... tend to my birds as I wish I'd been able to tend to them throughout this whole flare up... I felt holey moley the worst actually might be over. My dad came and we had a good night... able to eat dinner heartily and then watch a movie... then just go to sleep and fall asleep without further ado.

Saturday I also felt good although I craved onion rings in the worst way. I also had a hamburger. And I ate a bunch of snack foods... so many things I truly have no idea what triggered last night's set-back. And I was fine until I went to try to sleep and then so many symptoms came back and I felt just awful all throughout my body in ways the English language doesn't even really have words for. So I'll leave it at that. Couldn't sleep until I took .5mg of an Ativan at... 7:00 am.

This has got to end... uggh I just wish I knew what triggered this. I'm sick of feeling miserable and making everyone around me miserable. On Saturday (before the evening) I almost thought it was time to let all my friends know "Oh my gosh, I'm feeling better now! I think it's over... let's hang out... time to pretend it never happened" and that things would get back to normal.

But I guess all that is just a pipe dream.

More Understanding

So, in my opinion, dysautonomia is a symptom. It's got lots of faces. The vaccines I received near graduation, I believe, were definitely precipitous of the issues-- resulting now in Chronic Fatigue Immunodeficiency (which is undiagnosed... although my Dr. is starting to mention that these problems sound like fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue... thus the attempts to balance neurotransmitters)

Neurotransmitters at ideal levels can help the sympathetic nervous system symptoms I'm having, and a Dr. Perrin who works with ME/CFS patients in England describes this quite clearly in these videos on Youtube. If you're interested, check them out (not sure who would be interested exactly, just throwing it out there)

Today is just "ok", raked some leaves, doing homework (well enough to do those things) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qVMTMdVS_s&feature=related

So knock yourselves out.

Change

"I don't remember how that day started. I certainly didn't think my life would change at all. The day was the result of change. School had ended the day before, I'd gone home to do my normal chores and to sleep, and then I was awake again. Change can happen as simple as that-just closing your eyes, and opening them again. No matter what, when you open your eyes the world will not be the same as the world you left by shutting them."

From a story I wrote years ago, in high school. The opening paragraph. However, it sums up a lot of feelings I'm going through right now.

I went to my naturopath today. We're reassessing the situation and hopefully will be on the move soon. In the meanwhile, Ativan is the only thing that is bringing me some relief but it also drugs me and makes me feel as uncoordinated and wonky as I'm feeling in the first place.

I was able to make it through class and tutoring easily today, but still feeling much trepidation and worry about what's going to happen and if I will ever feel better or not.

Peace out.

11/09/2010

Well. Tough tough week and weekend. Had a day off but then everything came back in force when my parents came down to visit and help out. I'm going to try the route of treating this as an anxiety problem because the only thing that helps my symptoms right now is Ativan. We'll try something longterm with 5-HTP instead of Celexa... which I think contributed to visual decline. Hopefully in a few days, a week, or a few weeks. I just want the symptoms to go away so that I don't have to worry about them.

Tonight is homework for Japanese class. Bummer that the site we have to go to to listen to listening files isn't working on the computers at my house. So I'll keep myself occupied with working on that. At least I finally found something with the ability to knock me out so I can get some sleep. and when I have good sleep, I have no night sweats. Win for weeks from now the 5-HTP will help control the anxiety.

Spoke too Soon

***

Well, seems like I spoke to soon yesterday. It was nice to have the brief moments of clarity... and then the feelings came over me all of a sudden at just about the time I got off the computer. Some things are starting to come into place for me... fear of MS or a brain tumor is lifting... but I definitely think there is something neurological to all of this.

I suspect dysautonomia. It's a confusion in the autonomic nervous system. That means things I used to take for granted, say, being able to wake up with a general idea of how I would feel throughout the day, and even the next day, are no longer guaranteed. Also why I have attacks of strange feelings that can be mistaken for anxiety. And of course, worrying about all of this certainly results in feeling anxious.

I found this website:

http://www.dynakids.org
There are great articles in the resources section.



It's a little suspicious that with the exception of the Yellow Wiggle, all the affected there are pubescent girls and young women. Perhaps it has something to do with the developing female hormones and... childhood/young adult vacs...

My mother had similar although not as debilitating symptoms at my age.

Flares/Initiation of the disease are set off by a variety of factors, including viruses and chemical exposure. No surprise considering that I had a viral illness then was shot up with 3 vaccines containing neurotoxic activated aluminum... in conjunction with viral particle nasties, MSG, Polysorbate and other roach killers. ANYWAY this current flare followed an effort by a naturopath to get my immune system moving... and then it was going-going-gone... I had a bad seasonal flu virus... and the diet change. Had also been doing saunas and mineral baths that may have pulled some minerals out of my system, temporarily overloading it with prior stressors.

Things that make disorders in the dysautonomia family better? Well, salt (minerals), lots of water (i.e., enough blood pumping through the veins) Most people don't see improvement on the allopathic "medications." So here's to weathering this storm. Hopefully it will be over soon.

It's Friday and I feel regretful that I have not hung out with my friends but once this term when my friend invited me to his birthday party dine-in at his place. That was fun. Everyone's been busy. Can't blame people for not wanting to be around me.

I could ask my Dr. to tilt-table test me... but this test has been sufficiently completed at the dentist's office. Twice I visited the dentist this year. The first time I remember when I was tilted back I was fine, and then immediately I had the strangest feeling come over me. Like a panic attack, but for no reason. I am not afraid of the dentist. I sort of groaned a little because I wanted more than anything to sit up... hell... go ahead and perform the procedure but the position was killing me.

And then, the next time I visited the dentist this year (the filling wasn't perfect on my bite and I was getting holes in my bottom tooth) the exact same thing happened, luckily it was a shorter procedure.

And laying down in bed, especially if my pillow is not big enough, is often an ordeal. I'm not going to deny that there isn't a definite anxiety component to this BUT I do know there is something more than anxiety alone at play here. And don't try to tell me its some kind of mistaken notion. Thanks to this flare up I've got to go back to all the "cognitive behavioral" stuff... trying to turn my thoughts around. And I guess even take celexa again (although if my problem is with blood pressure I don't know how that would do anything to help.) My blood pressure is consistently low low low at the drs office and my heart rate always consistently high high high.

Why couldn't it just be something simple... like a broken arm... that people know how to fix...

My horoscope is right. The change has to be inside of me.

Some Fog has Cleared

Been a few days since I wrote here *gasp*.

My parents came down for the weekend to help me out, had a good day on Saturday, a little off on Sunday, and then until today this week has been pretty hard. Even this morning was really rough. Lot's of doctor's appointments. Good news is the cyst probably won't need surgery, it is probably already on its way to recovery. There is a check-up coming after the end of the term to make sure it goes away.

I am off progesterone for the time being... after my functional med dr. said the dose was way too high... no wonder I was having side effects from it. And my cycle has began for the first time in about a month and a half. At least the progesterone works to jump start things... however getting the right dose is tricky. As expected, I am encouraged to go on synthetic hormone bcps because of the PCOS (not by the functional med dr.) but if keeping my weight low and working on diet, insulin resistance and such will keep the cycle regular, I prefer that method. Because I feel sicker around my cycle I'm cautiously optimistic that things will turn around after this week. Now I know how werewolves are. Except these symptoms make me feel more like a were-human.

I'm getting tested for leaky gut and parasites. Getting the samples ready is kind of a pain in the butt.

Mom watered the seed in my head that I might have a brain tumor, although my strongest suspicion is still that the vaccine did something to my immune system. Maybe my immune system is finally calming down. Glands under my tongue that have been swollen for months have gone down slightly since my cycle began. I was also having night sweats... and horrible anxiety this week. Very much like in Japan. I don't know if it feels worse because it is worse or worse because I'm more comfortable around my family and in Japan I had to do my very best to pull myself together for my host family and as a scholarship student I had many commitments and events (such as going to tour the Mazda factory.) Very exciting time in my life, but also a very scary one. And even though I'm scared that it may be a brain tumor or MS or something, my symptoms don't completely fit that picture... looks like an as of yet misunderstood immune reaction. It's not all that implausible... vaccines have been discontinued when they have done similar things to the public. One that I discovered is Lymerix, the vaccine for Lyme disease which is no longer out in public because of the extremely high rate of people having reactions to it. Oh if I had a billion dollars, there would have to be some research in the area of reversing vaccine damage or more understanding on what appear to be autoimmune responses.

Or, this reaction could very well be the symptoms provoke great anxiety which in turn causes and exacerbates the symptoms. This is a tough nut to crack.

The mechanism of injury for the Lymerix vaccine appeared to be the inclusion of the lyme protein itself... probably the reason that lyme disease is so devastating because the proteins of the infections agents (besides the special tricks the bacterium can play) mimic the proteins of tissues. The immune system forms a memory of that protein (amino acid sequence) and then the cells in the system designed to target the bacterium are confused and start doing their job on tissues of the body! How confusing!

Theories are the same as Epstein Barr Virus linked to Multiple Sclerosis. Generally, any immune reaction puts an individual at risk for Guillian Barre. I'm going to look into what naturopathy does about autoimmune illnesses, although it seems that as naturopathic methods are natural, they aim to stimulate the immune system. That process is a little dangerous in those with these "bad memories" in their immune cells... which is why I'm sure I had a flare of this after having my immune system stimulated. And now that I'm getting run down... I truly hope I can go back to just being a worn down version of myself instead of completely nuts. Just the anxiety is sickening.

Also can report that I test negative for all the classic autoimmune diseases: RA and Lupus. Sed rates don't show that anything is going on, but I'm certainly weakened by the nausea, weight loss, anxiety, lack of appetite and so on and so forth. But feeling more optimistic because I'm feeling better tonight. Getting worried because I can make it through a great day and crash at night... hopefully not tonight... because the anxiety meds just don't really help.

Actually feeling a little like knitting tonight and watching some TV shows with my hubby... this is improvement. Made it through class and my mind for homework has somewhat come back. No more immune stimulation for me after this episode.

Walking down memory lane... pictures are from my trip to the Mazda main headquarters in Hiroshima Japan in the midst of my first health crisis after getting the vaccine. Part symptoms, part anxiety... so much I didn't know. I do believe it was a beautiful experience, but can't help but feel bittnerness that the magnitude of that beauty was affected by that vaccine... I guess i'm working on coming to terms with it.

My Momiji Racer design won that day for the car design contest~~~ (But really, the true prize was being able to go to Japan, I would have never been able to afford the study abroad without the scholarship I received) momiji is maple leaf, which is a symbol of Hiroshima/Miyajima. One of the popular local souvenirs is momiji manjuu or Maple Leaf shaped dessert buns. There's nothing quite like eating one straight from Nishikido

A little write-up in the local paper

With Ryuga, Mazda's concept car. Just like all the ones you see in magazines.