Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts

Saturday, January 11, 2014

From Heike Monogatari

(From Heike Monogatari)

When did my heart learn such ways,
of late I think so longingly of
palace companions I once knew

The past, too, has vanished like a dream
My days by this brushwood door 
cannot be long in number

Kureimon-in was bathed in tears, 
overwhelmed by memories of the past and thoughts of the future



Pretty much sums up how I've been feeling these days... 

Why

These are poems I wrote in my journal that I read when I was in college.

But I didn't forget them.

Why should my heart
remain stained
by blossoms,
when I thought 
I had tossed all that away? 


Trailing in the Wind
Fuji's Smoke
fades into the sky
destination unknown
just like my own thoughts

They are Japanese poems. I don't have the translations and I didn't even write the author's name down, so for asian studies scholars out there, let me know if you know who it was.

Feeling very much like this today... things abandoned, things I must abandon, things which can't be changed. Which just makes me think of AAA Wisdom poem. Even though I'm not addicted to anything. Except maybe tonkatsu, chocolate, and darjeeling tea. And kimchi.

That is all. 

Monday, May 30, 2011

Political Influence on School Lunch: Fixing the Mess

POLITICAL DIMENSIONS

At the outset, altering school environments appears a quick solution for the obesity problem; however, it is not to discount the community and government aspect of the ecological model. It is arguable that public policy at the federal, state, and local levels wields equal if not greater influence over the decisions that schools and districts make in terms of the physical education and school meal programs. The presence of competitive foods (Mellow, M, Pomeranz, J,& Moran, P, 2008) is also becoming a debated public health topic. As most students attend public schools, and public schools are directly influenced by government funding and policy, the fundamental role of the government is not to be downplayed.

When it comes to physical education, the United States has no law requiring physical education to provided to students, nor are there or have there been incentives for districts to offer physical activity programs. (Story, 2009) Existing legislation, such as Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, promotes the equal access of girls and boys to existing programs in districts. (Story, 2009) The No-Child Left Behind Act, 2001, is criticized for its exclusion of physical and health education from school subjects to be graded for achievement (Story, 2009) Thus, many schools in the U.S. simply do not have the incentive to make physical education periods mandatory for students. NCLB does, however, have the Carol M. White Physical Education Program division that offers grants for school programs. This requires districts to overcome more bureaucratic hurdles in order to get the funding they need for programs that may help the children they service.

Second, many assert that the US Food Environment simply must be improved at federal and state levels both inside and outside of schools. The US government allots money in the form of subsidies to the meat, dairy, corn, and wheat industries while awarding very few subsidies to fruit and vegetable farmers (Rampell, 2010). The allotment of subsidies simply does not reflect the nutritional needs of human beings. Processed foods made of subsidized corn and wheat are artificially cheap, vegetables appear artificially expensive in the eyes of those who do not understand the political environment of food in the United States. (Kenner, 2008) As inflation affects food prices, fruits and vegetables continues to become more expensive, while the price of corn and wheat products has actually decreased. That is, corn-syrup sweetened sodas and cookies made of flour. Restructuring the federal subsidy system will make the budgeted $2.47 (Story, 2009) per “free” school lunch meal go much farther in purchasing healthful foods.

Finally, competitive foods are an issue unique to the US school meal system in that they are not regulated to the same standards of nutrition content as subsidized meals unless they are being sold during meal time. This is according to a 1970 amendment to the Child Nutrition Act. (Mello, M, Pomeranz, J,& Moran, P, 2008) School districts accept contracts with large food and beverage companies in order to support their programs. The formal policy described by Mello’s article is the non-policy of food and beverage giants choosing the path of “self-regulation” which does not serve the interests of the public when their products contribute to the public health risk that is childhood obesity.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Almost Normal


Almost normal today. Rough start as usual... still night sweaty but no panic last night (with the help of Ativan...)

Met with my functional doc and we'll try magnesium, 5-HTP, taurine, and l-threonine and see if that helps. I sure hope so. Today was almost normal. I'll leave it there before I start thinking of what might happen.

Then I found out I might get fired because I reduced my course load this term and in the heat of it all forgot to sound the alarm to the bureaucratic workings of the university... don't know what I'll do without my job... it's the only thing I have going for me. I guess I can show up to the job and just tell them to go ahead and not pay me. It's not like I quit my classes because I caught a cold or just decided I didn't want to take the classes... hopefully it can get sorted out. I really hope so.

Today I registered for three classes for next term. That is Japanese 4th year speaking part II, Korean 1st year part two (I really need to bite the bullet and learn Korean... I can understand a lot of speaking but can't express anything myself), and an Honors College Lit class. If I'm going to be stuck at uni for another year then I might as well just stay to write a thesis and finish the honors college classes despite my aversion.

Korean is pretty hard at my school... it's pretty project, activity, and memorization oriented but class is really the only thing that motivates me to study it even though I really want to learn so I can communicate with my husband's family. Japanese class really isn't that way... even when there are projects they are no way near as intense.

Look at that. I'm writing about something other than feeling sick. That must mean something is getting a little better.

But I'm really bent out of shape worrying if I will loose my job... I think my situation warrants and exception to the bureaucratic rule mumbo jumbo. I'd feel so guilty telling my student "I can't meet you anymore, I've been feeling sick, doctors can't tell me why, but I'm working on it... though I had to drop some classes..."... because I really like her and she thought highly enough of me to request me as a tutor this term. I suppose I would ask permission if I could just continue to tutor her without pay... if they want to stick to the rules that hard. But I really couldn't continue the classes. The first 4 weeks of school were just nuts and then the most recent 4 weeks have been more insanity and trying to recover. Even without studying though, I got 67 on my first bio exam and 65 on my first physics exams. I do know that I would've never been able to make it through looking at what the weeks since I dropped the classes have been like.

I thought I would have made a good doctor or naturopath. Or both. But I'm just not cut out for the bureaucratic requirements, course requirements, grade expectations. I don't function that way anymore. I can get through in subjects I have innate ability in such as foreign language (but that isn't so good because I have little contact with friends now... it's the horrible feeling of being an outsider in your own life...) My Japanese would be so much better but I haven't been able to go to International Coffee Hour once this term (the most lively meetings are the first in the term anyway, it peters out toward the end when the same old faces and same old groups of friends come together... much harder to get in to get to know people, maybe it's just something I imagine but it does feel harder when everyone already knows who they like to get drunk with on the weekend...) And I can't even keep up with the exchange students when I am feeling healthy... feel like you gotta be the one to initiate everything... they don't have the same course load (although I am sympathetic to the issues of adjustment, cultural differences, and perhaps not feeling comfortable just asking people to do things... they are out of their element... having a lot of fun... but still out of their elements)




Proof that I was happy once? Jan 1st, 2007, Ichinomiya, Aichi, Japan OSHOGATSU

And maybe deep down this whole time I really have just wanted to go back to Japan, or at least in my area of passion. Although I cannot say that I am not passionate about wanting to help people and see more right than wrong in this world, or at least look at the medical issues from different perspectives. There's deep conflict in my personality and ambitions... maybe it's because I'm two star-signs? But they sort of work together. Sagittarius/Scorpio. Sagittarius is always on the move and looking for action... and Scorpio is intense, vengeful, and perceptive. But I'll just have to put those things behind me. But I don't see how those elements couldn't work together.

Sorry about the wonky formatting... I couldn't figure out how to do away with the underline.

Cautiously optimistic that this might be turning around, cautiously. That does not mean that I am not freaked about what's been going on, the future, and what's going on with my job. But I really hope my boss trusts me and that there is something that can be done... I do have the documentation to prove that things have been going crazy.








Sunday, November 14, 2010

Two Good Days and Backslide


I gave a homeopathic remedy from my naturopath a try the other day... along with the 5-HTP and basic multivitamin I've been taking and had a very good night Thursday...

Friday I felt basically normal... weak and tired... but basically almost normal. I rode my bike to school, went confidently to the grocery store before riding home and ate a slice of pizza. Probably no good... no documented gluten sensitivity yet but I guess even people without gluten sensitivity can be negatively affected by it. Who knows. Sick of thinking about the world so critically when I just want to live. I just want to eat whatever and go out with friends... although I'm basically estranged from all my friends right now.Kinda have what I don't feel is an unfounded suspicion that they just think of me as someone who "always doesn't feel good." And I get really sick of being a wet blanket... so I guess it's for the best that I'm so distanced from everyone right now. Everything seems to be falling into place for everyone. I remember that feeling in the past... but it just feels like such a distant memory... almost like none of those wonderful things ever happened. And I wouldn't want to ruin such beautiful feelings for anyone. Although I feel so crushingly alone. So guilty for my family having to go through this.

I had energy to pick some stuff up around the house... tend to my birds as I wish I'd been able to tend to them throughout this whole flare up... I felt holey moley the worst actually might be over. My dad came and we had a good night... able to eat dinner heartily and then watch a movie... then just go to sleep and fall asleep without further ado.

Saturday I also felt good although I craved onion rings in the worst way. I also had a hamburger. And I ate a bunch of snack foods... so many things I truly have no idea what triggered last night's set-back. And I was fine until I went to try to sleep and then so many symptoms came back and I felt just awful all throughout my body in ways the English language doesn't even really have words for. So I'll leave it at that. Couldn't sleep until I took .5mg of an Ativan at... 7:00 am.

This has got to end... uggh I just wish I knew what triggered this. I'm sick of feeling miserable and making everyone around me miserable. On Saturday (before the evening) I almost thought it was time to let all my friends know "Oh my gosh, I'm feeling better now! I think it's over... let's hang out... time to pretend it never happened" and that things would get back to normal.

But I guess all that is just a pipe dream.