Failure

Failure

Effort is not always what makes things happen,

It's about an ebb and a flow,

a progression,

a lapse back,

Advance

Recede

Develop

Return

And Grow Again

So Frustrated

; _ ;

Chest pain, palpitations, mostly left side and in arm but also feeling on right side tonight. Can't really talk to anyone in my immediate circle, I've hit the "dead horse" that is trying to figure out why I'm feeling so sick. My parents are convinced that progesterone is a miracle problem and it will cure all my ills. Aren't open to the idea that parasites could be a part of this... even though the evidence is *ahem* in the toilet. And my husband is just too tired after staying up all night studying for a midterm.

Don't know who to talk to so I'll just write in this blog. Then I can keep track of how I'm feeling.

Makes me mad that they say "oh you're just feeling bad because your hormones are out of line." They're reading books on PCOS and stuff, but meanwhile I feel like they are tuning out what I have to say. They are as blinded as the Drs who form their opinions of you the moment you walk in the room. YES my hormones are out of line, but there must be an underlying reason. And, if progesterone cream was such a miracle, then taking it should have leveled me out. And who cares if it levels out my emotions if the rest of me still feels sick and falling apart? It makes me break-through bleed and I suspect instead of having a period this month... well I just got a gigantic cyst that I'm waiting to dissolve! (I'm hoping it will, and wondering if it couldn't be related to parasites...) You're not supposed to stay on hormones that are not your own, the endocrine system works in negative feedback loops and responds to the level of progesterone in the system. If there is progesterone, it does not have to produce it.

And all the happy healthy college students are living it up on Halloween.

Mailed Dr. Flannery to ask if he ever works collaboratively/through/with/consults Drs. I sure hope so, and of course the Dr I have will have to agree.

Feeling really lonely and like this will never end...

Just a Link

http://www.free-press-release.com/news-hpv-vaccines-or-jumping-rope-1288283419.html

Free Press, Press Release regarding Gardasil.

Amen to this.

Until mainstream medicine, or any medicine for that matter, finds out what is causing my problems, I will believe that it is Gardasil that triggered them, regardless of whether they were underlying issues before the shot. Better lying in wait then troubling me nearly everyday of my life.

Even the mayo clinic website outlines a list of symptoms, most of which I have experienced to one degree or another since getting the shot- as side effects. I hope some smarty-pants up there decides to figure out how to help people's vaccine damage, although most students are probably concerned with following the Gold-Brick ROAD to $$$ (Radiology, oncology, anaesthesiology, and dermatology...) don't forget cardiology and neurology--true story, I have done a lot of reading on what it takes to become a doctor because since I became sick I dreamed of going to medical school. Although since vaccines affect so many neurologically (what's with the aluminum additives and msg excitotoxins? ethylmercury? really!) I really wanted to go to med school or do my science classes so that I could someday help people going through what I am. And then overwhelming waves of pessimism wash over me when I see the state of the system. Practicioners that get closest to addressing the fundamental issues are rare: naturopaths, functional medicine drs. (And I don't know if naturopathy has quite figured out vaccine reactions yet... nature didn't intend for these poisons to be layered upon developing young people... of course I knew nothing of this... received all my vacs through elementary school, didn't opt out, didn't think twice and now I can't stop thinking about it, it is with me everyday) Like I said, those drs are rare, their treatments are expensive, they're not covered, and just like the vaccines they are up until now untested.

Felt pretty bad this morning despite sleeping well. Made it though my Japanese class (and test), think I did well. Didn't do so well on my science midterms from a couple weeks back. I was feeling pretty sick and was just sort of coasting through my classes... not attacking them as I liked to pre-Gardasil. More restlessness, feeling weak, tired, hungry, empty, heat sensations, and nauseated. But I made it and am doing better at home.

Been a While, Down For the Count

Ladies and Germs.

It's been a while since I've been in. Combination of good and bad. Made it out of summer term with A- in both sections of organic chemistry laboratory. Summer brought a respite from my symptoms. I think it's because I wasn't taking on as much as the summer before (when I was doing many many classes and also volunteer teaching a Japanese class.) All those are things I love to do but my body just doesn't take it that well I think.

I would first like to tell a short story, naw, make it a long story.

In June 2007 I was about to graduate from high school, and I'd recently been informed that I received a Mazda Foundation Scholarship to go to Japan for 6 weeks. At the same time, my grandfather was passing away.

Before that trip, I went for a sayonara physicial at my pediatrician. Before this time I went to the doctor maybe once, twice a year. I was healthy, with the occasional ear infection as I'd always had some drainage problems. At that physical I was given a clean bill of health, expressed no complaints, and then they brought in the vacs.

This included Gardasil, Menactra, and a hepatitis vaccine. I'd been coming off a cold and my mother asked "is it safe that these be administered when she is coming off a cold?" Without batting an eye they said "yes" and in complete blind faith I accepted the vaccinations: I'd never been squeamish about them.

I don't have the exact date, but I think it was about a week or less before graduation. I remained sick... my cold didn't let up. Graduation day I was hit with the most profound, odd, and frightening feeling I'd ever had in my life. I needed to use the toilet and I felt hot and restless. I remember asking my mother if I should go to the emergency room. She looked serious, and being a nurse, she suspected a vaccine reaction but did not tell me at that time. I was determined to go to my graduation, but was feeling restless and on edge the whole time, kind of out of touch and focus. And it was a blur. Like the intensity I felt life with had been drained away and everything had become less. But I made it through and went to a party with my friends. And for the most part I felt things went back to normal after that.

I had a little nausea in the mean time, digestive system wasn't quite right, attributed it to the excitement of getting to go to Japan again. I'd been to Japan a year before and truly had the most beautiful moment of my life, besides those one shares with family. Both were exchange immersion programs and Japan was where my passions and my talents were. I participated in the state-wide language speech competitions (took home 5th/35 in Division 1, didn't place in Division 2 but did well), laughed hard and played hard with my friends, ate junk food like crazy... did school musicals. I was a normal teen.

And then I was off for an orientation outside of San Francisco then Tokyo-bound but two days later. Felt a little weird, attributed it to the tired feeling you get when traveling. Couldn't sleep well but attributed it to jet-lag. Felt extremely nervous but attributed it to excited energy when I was riding the shinkansen to meet my host family in Hiroshima. For the first few days... being swept through entering a new home, meeting neighbors, introducing myself at school, meeting new friends... things went alright.

However, there was an escalation of symptoms which has not since decreased however there tend to be flares and remissions of varying lengths. These includes:

-Chest tightness/difficulty breathing

-Rapid heart rate, including at rest

-Dizziness

-Feeling strange, difficulty falling asleep: restless, hot feeling, great sense of unease with urge to move

-Nausea

-Irritable Bowel

_______________

Toward the end of my stay, the symptoms progressed to include

-Strange feeling on face, around eye (right side worse)

-Hair loss

-Sense that something was wrong with eyes, jumpy (although now it includes floaters (started after taking Celexa)... could've just been the progression of whatever is going on...

How I survived, I don't know. The memories are still fond and I still yearn for the day that I may be able to go back to Japan, such as to teach English. Dealing with these symptoms made me desperately want to become a physician or naturopath doing research on problems such as these (which I believe was set off by the vaccine, regardless of whether it was an underlying issue... I truly believe that it would not be as severe as it is if I had never received the Gardasil vaccine, especially in conjunction with Menactra and Hepatitis B vaccine. I survived climbing up the steep staircase to put the clothes on the line and being attacked by wasps on the little balcony where the clothes were hung ;)

I do believe a lot of this I have documented in a journal I kept during my journey. I'll make a mental note that this is something I can show to doctors while looking for help. So that is a background story, but I'm also going to publish a blog of everything I have experienced since being vaccinated in June 2006 and if I am able to obtain specifics I will provide them. I will provide a blog detailing tests I have had done (good now that I'm having a full flare up of the symptoms) so that I will have everything in my mind and I'll try to make other posts more or less organized (I may use them to go to my appointments.)

And then when I get all this background information out of the way I can start writing about the day to day.