Pricing Discrepancy, Much?

US TEXTBOOK MAKERS AND SELLERS: WHATS GOING ON HERE?

Approximately $60 USD

What's up with this?

Cost in US: $170.22 USD !

Not to be sold in USA or Canada? Why? Because people would freak out at the price discrepancy?

Stewart Calculus

My University used This Text

It's an International Text, but Wholly in English

What's going on here?

What's going on with US Textbook Prices?

WTF?

Korean Price: Approx $45 USD , Less Considering Exchange Rate

US Price for US Students: $185 (Amazon)

Suggested Retail: $224.95

All right. So for those in college, (it is September after all, people are going back-to-school everywhere), here is a post for you.

I was at a big bookstore today, and was surprised by the cost of textbooks. Well, surprised that these American texts, in American format, using nearly the same materials, binding, and everything else, simply cost half, or less than half, the cost American students have to pay.

Now why is this?

Why shouldn't American students have access to AMERICAN books at prices struggling families an afford?

いい部屋ネット/Good Room Network

My hometown is surrounded by many nurseries. I've heard even a lot of Japanese maples are supplied from Oregon.

Crown Melons are Famous in Fukuroi, Japan, sister city of my hometown in Oregon

http://www.eheya.net/

If you want to know something about living expenses in Japan, you can check out apartment costs at that site. Which is kind of fun. Even though depending on the program/employer you lprobably don't get to pick your first apartment.

I caught a cold and it is not fun. Tomona will be here on Saturday and I wanted to be bright eyed, bushytailed, and excited to meet her but looks like I'm just struggling to survive this week. Luckily it is just a cold, there hasn't been a fever involved, so that says something about the severity. The congestion has been keeping me from sleeping well which is making all the difference.

Grumble grumble.

I can't wait for acupuncture because I know one day I had aches and pains and felt all stiff and as soon as it was over I felt wonderful. That's on Thursday.

No word back from the requirements committee.

My net -interview with the ALT company went well, although talking on skype is darn hard. My connection is no good and a lot of the conversation tends to get garbled up. Anyway, excited about my interview with them over the break and looked at the positions in Aichi and Shizuoka. All of them look like they're in really awesome places.

The most interesting to me is one in Mori, Japan which is by Fukuroi, Shizuoka. Fukuroi is my city's sister city and their relationship began in November 1988. My birthday, year and all! It's like I am the patron saint of the Fukuroi-Hillsboro sister city relationship! I'd definitely love to get that post sometime... and would definitely love to live in a rural place.

Anywayyy didn't get the interview information e-mail so I'll be getting back to them about that... so far so good except for this darn cold (and all the catch-up I'm going to be playing... good thing Tomona is coming and we can do the reading together, it will be good for her English and good for my Japanese)

Can't Hold Me Down

Maizuru, Kyoto, Japan

Looks kind of like Gakke no Ue no Ponyo (ENG. PONYO)

http://www.sumitomo.gr.jp/english/discoveries/town/maizuru01.html

So far so good. The term is catching up with me and I've been tired this week, but ballet last night seemed to pull me out of it. When I get tired I am so tempted to not work out or move at all... but it really helps. So moral of the story, when you're feeling tired just give some light exercise a whirl (ballet isn't that light ; ) So I guess i'm pretty strong these days)...

There is definitely something to say about changing up your brain-waves. I feel like I use the same part of my brain all day at school and blowing off steam through activity is just what I need.

I will be going to JAPAN for the first time since 2007 very soon. I've got some interviews there and am excited that most of them are in AICHI where a lot of my friends are located. (Although, not all of them are there, there are a lot in HIROSHIMA and of course most exchange students I meet at uni are from KANTO-Tokyo) Depending on what happens at the companies, I am very interested in interviewing for a job in MAIZURU, Japan. Besides having an awesome name, it is a small port town with a lot of beaches. I bet they get a lot of stuff coming in from Korea (or maybe it is more of a symbolic military-type port, I'm not sure.)

There is someone on Youtube who is documenting culture through driving around his town (MAIZURU) and along the TANBA highway. He usually sets these adventures to great music. I will go home and find the movie I bookmarked. Anyway it's fun to youtube all the cities where there are jobs.

It might be best to start out in Aichi where I know some people, but I'm totally up for living away from it all in a small town. Watching the youtube videos I've totally fallen in love with Maizuru and even if I don't get the job, it will certainly be a pleasure to travel there.

One of the companies is an ALT company, based largely out of Nagoya (Aichi) which is a great plus, but they have jobs all over the place in locations that I know. I would love to be an ALT... as my inkling is that its more of an immersing type experience in Japanese culture. You're not only an English teacher but become part of a school. I know a lot depends on the school and how many schools you're working at.

I'd be happy anywhere, I hope at least one of these interviews will result in a job... and wouldn't that be great if I got my pick! I know the market isn't what it used to be but I know I'm qualified and I've been wanting this forever... so it's just a matter of making things reality.

__________

BIG RANT (ignore if you're so inclined)

One thing standing in my way is the Academic Requirements Committee. I had to apply to have a sociology class I took for honors college to be counted as non-history "social science" credit. The committee refused it, stating that they wouldn't be disturbing my plans too much to detain me here to take a class. Oh my, all I can say bureaucracy in this shade is not my favorite. It has been stressing me, but that is another thing that ballet helped me take off my mind.

My writing credit has already been taken care of.

The Committee will reconvene since the writing credit waiver has only just processed.

It just makes your soul hurt to be in such a situation. How to get through human emotion and need in such a detached, bureaucratic situation.

We will see. Must keep my thoughts positive and visualize what I want to happen.

But it's left me feeling heartbroken and strung out this week.

I'll keep you posted. It's a life lesson, but I'm not going down without fighting this. I legitimately took a sociology class when I was in the honors college. Honors college didn't work out, but I still paid (honors college fees, by the way) and did my time. It's not like I'm evading a requirement... I just fulfilled it by the means that had been described to me at the time.

Universities... are... difficult to deal with. But I think things might work out. My degree audit was updated today to show that I completed my writing credit.

I explained my entire situation... I don't understand how anyone can deny someone's pleas. Gosh it's like being on trial. They bring up everything and have grilled me. Sprinkle me with salt and eat me whole. Anything is better than seeing my dreams which are so close now being taken away now because they will not see my sociology class (400 level with a thesis paper, I might add, which WAS honors college gen ed), as EQUIVALENT to 200 level intro survey classes. How is that inequivalent? Doesn't that EXCEED? It's honors because they force you to go ABOVE and BEYOND... so why is the beyond being punished?

Where is the logic in the world? Where is it? I don't see it. But I have seen the face of pure evil. Sometimes I forget it exists, but then there are things like this to show you that it is truly out there. Watch your back. Dot your i's and cross your t's.

Phew that was quite a vent. But I am hoping in my heart of hearts, since they are meeting again, and they said that "having the writing requirement not met" "tipped the balance" (even though I explained that it was already approved... but JUST NOW processed today after I e-mailed various people all around the university) so they will meet again now that it is processed.

Someone save us all.

No, I cannot "just take an online poli-sci class" (Why? Isn't that like going backward since I have already done all this honors work in sociology?) because then I wont' get my visa and I won't be able to work.

Sheesh.

End rant. Sorry for that. I will try to post little tidbits about various cities in Japan that interest me. POSITIVE stuff.

______________

This weekend I'm writing a paper about Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore. It's turning into a comparison to Norwegian Wood... which is fitting since we are covering it in class. So similarities, differences, things that become themes for Haruki Murakami.

It will be posted in Japanese. Since I have to write it in Japanese. The fun part will be making the powerpoint/presentation on it.

Getting Somewhere

So, getting a little restless about wondering what to do after graduation (which is pretty much after this term, since I probably don't have to take any classes in spring term) I've found some more ESL job search sites:

ESL PANDA

http://www.eslpanda.com

world-wide, a lot of Chinese companies but some Japanese, Korean, South America, pretty global

JAPAN JOBS-Japan English Teacher.com

http://www.japanenglishteacher.com/

HOKKAIDO JOBS (information from this one comes at a price... for those whose hearts are set on Hokkaido I suppose)

http://www.ne.jp/asahi/hokkaido/kenhartmann/HIjobs.html

KYOTO JOBS

http://www.kyojinzai.jp/jobcafe_entry.html

HOKKAIDO JOBS

http://www.dokyoi.pref.hokkaido.lg.jp/address/soshikizu/soshikizu.html

and another one. Will post the link later.

I got a bite from the school in Toyohashi (Dream location!). Unfortunately it sounds like they want someone from March, and I'm not technically graduated until June. I have to follow up with the honors college and see if there's anyway of making my honors college colloquia count for a university social sciences class. Ridiculous that there should even be a question, but what can you do. I don't even know if they could swing me a visa quickly enough, although there are 90 day traveler's visas. Renewable if you leave the country... although there is the problem of working and having a bank account if you don't have a work visa? I'll have to look into this some more. Maybe they can keep my CV in the case that they have an opening at a later date.

At least it shows that I'm capable of landing a job.

Hum,

Reading about Momoyama period ceramics in Japanese has me missing my Grandpa... and feeling nostalgic all over the place.

Feeling a little blue tonight. For no apparent reason. Just feeling down about a lot of stuff lately, each on its own is ok to deal with but definitely feeling it cropping up on me. Just waves of sadness wash over me.

I took some 5-HTP

Ballet is fun. It's sort of like therapy which I was thinking of going to but I think ballet is more of a release for me... and I heard obamacare was reversed so I don't know how that will affect my health insurance situation if I get married. Dissapointing.

And a little overwhelmed by my Japanese class. This ain't easy stuff. But the improvement in my other class is remarkable. So the work I'm putting in is building muscles somewhere... just having trouble knowing how reliable those muscles are. Haha kind of like ballet. I want to get back onto pointe but my pointe muscles aren't strong enough yet. I don't think I'm pointing my foot properly because I'm feeling it too much in my achilles tendon and that's a very important area to take care of in ballet that can be damaged en pointe. Point with the ankle and the top of the foot... w/o clenching the achilles. Simple concept but easier said than done.

We're studying ceramics in my Japanese Advanced Reading class. It makes me think of my Grandpa. I miss him. I miss my family. Why do I always have to feel so darn nostalgic.

Max's brother went home today. They say he's coming back. We'll see if that will happen.

Respect the Schedule

Haha.

Well got my first rejection today. Il'd like to believe it's not a true rejection... because the page said they had a strict deadline those wanting to work for them have to be diploma-ed by the 10th of June. Unfortunately I won't be "graduated" until the 13th of June... although my last classes are this term and I'll technically be graduated at the end of this one.

Bureaucracy!!!

So... just like America's Next Top Model I'l just apply for other stuff and remember that there is a new cycle coming up and I will be fully and legitimately diploma-ed and still have all my experience by that point. Just have to keep working hard.

There is also a small job in Aichi-prefecture that I would like to apply to. I wrote a cover letter in Japanese today but I'm kind of worried about it. I know it's probably not near perfect. And there are some things I'd like to add. They just relisted the job... which means they haven't found anyone yet ;) And boy would I love to go back to Aichi.

So there are at least three places to apply to right now... they're always really vague about when they want workers to start... but I know Amity and Aeon is usually about 6-12 months after you apply...

We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

Ballet and Yoga is going really well. My strength is coming back quickly. I'd like to do a pre-pointe class and maybe even start to dance on pointe again. I'm such a water person though... always rushing... definitely hate taking things one step at a time. I'm working on it.

UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS: KOANS

So two days into the term... so far so good. Just hope it lasts. I have a normal amount of tired and no creepy-crawlies.

I'm no longer signed up for honors college Literature by and about Gay Men. NOW I'm in the Japanese Global Scholars class. It's really hard but I think it should theoretically get easier since my only other class is Japanese speaking and Beginning Korean. Regardless... the lack of a class intense on English should allow them to at least abstractly support one another. Not even out of the honors college yet and things are already getting more relevant. So there will be a research project this term.

We're covering Buddhism and our homework was to get our tails home and research sects of Japanese buddhism. I'm writing on SHINGON and RINZAI. RINZAI is a zen sect and has is about meditation, finding out who you are, and KOANS (unanswerable questions) are often utilized as lessons. Regardless, I like things that make me think.

If the sound of two hands coming together is the sound of a clap, what is the sound of one hand?

Not even a thought has arisen. Is there still sin or not?

I will think about this in acupuncture today. I have to type up paragraphs about it in Japanese today when I get home from acupuncture, ballet, and dinner. But until then, ponder away. It's really interesting, perhaps I found my term research topic?

Comet Ca$h

Well two acupuncture treatments.done. I do notice a difference! My sore throat isn't gone but I'm sure mono won't cure itself overnight. However, in general, my whole body just feels better.

_________________

I brought a present for Christmas over to the neighbors since they're so good to us and are really friendly neighbors and got hooked up with getting to start my volunteering at the elementary school early. And they really needed a lot of help today~~ it was a Winter Holiday Carnival and there was a bazaar with donated goods. They earned some "Comet" Cash for doing homework and for being good in their classes and then got to spend it... and go "shopping" and bought things for special people in their lives. With hundreds of youngsters of all ages... it was quite a happening. They broke me in pretty quick~ But now winter break has begun for EVERYONE and now there is no escape from my house and the major BRO-mance going on with Max and his brother. So I'm kind of the odd one out wishing I had some girl friends to hang out with.

I really need to get on my Christmas cards.

_________________

So I have a lot of options on when to graduate and what to do after, I guess those options will depend on when I go to see an advisor to find out if there are any classes I would have to take if I decided not to graduate from the honors college. There are a bunch of schools I would like to apply to teach at in Japan... and whether or not I could enter the companies sort of is weighing in my mind as a deciding factor of what I want to do with this graduation thing. I have one Japanese class left for a Japanese degree. General science is totally out the window because I don't want to be here for 3 more years to take all the classes I would have to in order to get that degree.

OR

I could stay in the honors college, start the time consuming thesis process... write it through the summer, and maybe get it wrapped up, stamped, graduated by the end of fall and apply to the JET Programme. Which is the "Cadillac" english teaching entry job... but the private companies don't sound that bad, although the purpose is a lot different than the government sponsored programs because it brings the company, corporation component into teaching.

Grumpy Takes a Vacation

Grumpy Takes A Vacation:

Not feeling so grumpy today. I contribute that a lot to doing some deep breathing exercises last night... chilling... and eating well today: that is, on time and with the right protein to veg to carb ratio. I definitely start to feel worse if I'm getting hungry. I'd settle for a stomach growl but I really start to get anxious and my mood drops.

At any rate, couldn't make it to my friends going away party tonight ; - ; Max's last final is tomorrow... and he hadn't even finished the take home portion by the time the party started so here I am. She said she'd come visit with another friend of ours this weekend. I'm not sure if it will go through, and I feel really bad about not being able to go. But at least I got to see her a few days ago.

Urggg finals.

I'll just look forward to the weekend and hope my two friends make it to visit. Or maybe I'll ask if we should just meet up somewhere... my house is pretty far from where everyone lives.

Finals Week!

Finals Week!

Well, technically my finals week (and my term) has been over since Monday... but Max (my husband) won't be done with his finals until about noon on Friday. That means my "best friend" is busy all week and I have "no one to play with." Haha it's definitely testing me. His brother is visiting. I meant to write a long blog to celebrate making it to December, to be my first December blog, but some other things I wanted to put in my blog beat me to it.

I'm going to take the plunge and try acupuncture. It's supposed to help with anxiety, nausea, and chest pain~~ I figure there's nothing I can loose. My insurance covers some of it... I found an Ac. near my campus so it will be easy to keep with the schedule even if school starts. And if my benefits run out there is a community acupuncture clinic where the fee is based on how much you earn, which for me, is nothing. I like that. I really like naturopathy, but it's much more expensive and so far, alone, has not given me results. There's a free consultation that I'm going to next week, to tell them about what's been going on...

Maxy's brother has been here for more than a week. Unfortunately we haven't really clicked yet... I really want things to go well... this last attack (the anxiety and feeling sick) took a lot of my confidence away and I'm not feeling in the outgoing sort of mood. More like "gosh I just want to recuperate and hope this doesn't happen again." He just doesn't seem that interested in trying anything new. But I suppose he's probably here to see Max more than anything, so it's normal he doesn't seem to care? I gave him a bunch of English study books but he's watching Korean dramas and cooking Korean food all day... and speaking Korean all day (I can't understand a thing of what's going on in my own house... or when I can understand it's like I'm mute because I can't speak Korean (yet?) ) And doing Korean boy things like drinking and smoking (not in the house, of course).

So now I'm feeling homesick in my own house! I don't want to feel this way... and I feel like a lot of it is my fault but I don't really know how to get things in motion. I'm getting pretty hungry... the boys LOVE greasy food... eggs, sausage, strange fried noodle concoctions, and even stews, salads covered in mayonnaise~~~ and FISHY food. If it doesn't smell like a pier it's not worth their attention. I've tried to cook a few times (my best recipes)... chicken marsala, enchiladas, nachos de Malia, vegetables with sweet and sour chicken... and just get slightly disappointed vibes everytime. But I myself get slightly disappointed everytime the food is greasy because I know I am going to feel awful if I eat it. And when you know you're going to feel awful then nothing really tastes good even if it really does (who doesn't LOVE greasy food? I love it, but...) I can't communicate that because 1)I feel rude 2) I feel embarassed

When is it safe for someone to put their foot down?

He did pick out a movie for us to watch together (haha I wouldn't have picked it myself but it was all right~~~) "Enchanted"... I missed that one when it was in the theaters. I think the best recent Disney movie was the Princess and the Frog. And Ratatouille. Haha for some reason I can watch Ratatouille again and again. I guess the food divide is the most exhausting, because every meal requires so much thought "What SHOULD we eat?" "Who should cook?" "Am I going to be able to eat it?" haha and... "Is this going to require a base of fish broth???" He was also a good sport and went to play tennis with me one day... a day with a rare break in the clouds! Rare for Oregon! Speaking of which, today is clear! I'm gonna get my butt down to the mall to get a haircut! (my hair is are falling out like crazy.)

I'm Back

I'm back after the (short) Thanksgiving Break. Actually, it felt pretty long (because there are basically no breaks at my university...) I think I've been seeing some improvement. This is all I'm taking now:

If you have any issue this does not substitute for seeking treatment from anyone. It is merely a description of what is happening in my life. When in doubt always seek help from a qualified provider.

-fish oil, breakfast/dinner

-low dose B-vitamin with C (Solgar), 1 at breakfast

-magnesium glycinate (1 50 tablet, breakfast and dinner)

-taurine 1000 mg, breakfast and dinner

-zinc citrate 15 (mg?)

-vitamin D3 drops for kids (low dose)

-5-HTP, 50 mg, 1x a day, when I sense that I'm getting tearful and on edge again

ALSO... trying to avoid copper

So far so good on that. Vitamin D3, despite my deficiency in it, consistently seems to give me an on-edge sort of feeling. I try to take it earlier in the day. It's been about 3 weeks since I have seen any doctor so I am doing better. I have not had one night where I could not fall asleep for a few weeks now. Things are slowly but surely stabilizing... I really don't know what happened. It was probably a combination of the detox diet I was doing (even though it was not extreme! I was following a paleo diet... lean proteins, light on carb, rich in vegetables and fruits.) Fruits can set me off I guess. Then I tried an herbal mixture... I still think there is something really wonky with my immune system and that there is probably some kind of toxin left from the vaccine, or even if the toxins don't bother people, not all people have the same immune response to those toxins. There is a protocol outlined by Dr. Baylock (Blaylock) for treating negative vaccine reactions advising against any mushroom/immune stimulating extracts. Something there is still dysfunctional, which is evident because I have had a low-level mono infection for more than 2 years. He's really good, he wrote one of my favorite books: "Excitotoxins: The Taste that Kills" all about MSG and aspartate... not the BEST book in the world but it was pretty good.

Let's see... what else is working...

-prayer and meditation

-avoiding googling my symptoms (for the health anxiety that all these symptoms started... I'll admit it is there but I really don't think it's everything...)

-www.anxietyzone.com-- a bunch of people with crazy symptoms... who are surviving... it helps with my feeling of being all alone in this

Max's brother is here. There's a lot of getting acquainted we still have to do but just like my health, I'll just take it slow and natural. I really want things to work out but it has stirred up some anxiousness and requires some adjusting but nothing too crazy. I have a speaking final in Japanese tomorrow (so I'm going to take my studying to the net and just write out some of the potential dialogues/things I may say tomorrow to help me study) and if you have fun reading Japanese, by all means

どうぞ、読んでもいいです。

On Depression, Anxiety, and Inflammation (LINK)

Human Interleukin-10, Wikimedia Commons

Yoon, S.I., Logsdon, N.J., Sheikh, F., Donnelly, R.P., Walter, M.R. Conformational changes mediate IL-10R2 binding to IL-10 and assembly of the signaling complex. J.Biol.Chem. , 2006

an anti-inflammatory human cytokine (the bad guys that make you feel sick when you catch a virus or your immune system is active) I was under the impression that cytokines are always bad guys in excess, but as with everything in the human body, it's all about a balance. Fascinating character, can't explain it better than wikipedia so I suggest you check there if you're interested.

Looking at it isn't gonna change your life, but for me it was nostalgic to look at the pig-tail "alpha helices" Doesn't look like there are any beta sheets going on... hummm (= __ -)

Not much to note. I get to keep working because I told my story and they took me at my word which is a relief because I do not want to have to scan a bunch of documents from doctors (getting the documents is enough of a struggle and doctors are busy enough... all the bureaucratic stuff must certainly be a hindrance to the overloaded system)

Tutoring was fun today. Slept ok. Slightly rough start but did ok and didn't feel like my mouth was going numb when I was trying to tutor today... no anxiety but I think I definitely have a 5-HTP related headache today and feel drugged, sleepy, and achy. Made it through my test but my head was hurrrrr-ting. Not a migraine or anything, I think it's definitely a side effect of the 5-HTP and all 5-HTPs little helpers (taurine, magnesium). Lunch and drinking water definitely HELPED with the headache. So adequate food and water is definitely a must while I'm on this stuff...

The things they do not take you in biology. I cannot tell you the degree of how exothermic or endothermic the binding of a protein to a cell receptor site is (I don't really care) but I'm definitely getting fluent at reading articles... and kind of feel a nostalgic sort of pangs when I read articles (such as the one linked below) and I see little protein model depictions... nostalgic pangs for biology class... it's too bad they make it so damn hard for people to succeed. And the immense frustration I feel that that is what science must be about... who cares if you can understand the bigger picture, if you are interested in specific research questions that are relevant to the times and needs of society... why should potential pioneers be turned away and disenfranchised because they do not fit into the painful molds that university's create to measure success? I've learned more in outside reading than I have ever learned in a lecture hall. Perhaps the base of my difficulty focusing on the subjects is my disinterest in what they force me to learn. And it's not even disinterest but I think the pressure and inflated importance placed on test performance... I can try to understand the abstract concepts or I can drill my faculties down to naught studying what feel like relative frivolities that show up on tests. Absolutely maddening to do 67 work when you feel like you have understanding.

http://intelegen.com/nutrients/natural_support_for_depression.htm

Very interesting article... interesting that historically anti-depressant herbs... and even modern remedies... act as anti-inflammatories in the body. I do believe in the neuro-immune research that is coming out that is showing a lot of how vaccines do damage is getting somewhere. And don't even get me started on the environmental-endocrine hypothesis. And excitotoxins. I'll try to avoid falling into putting stock in conspiracy theories... (neither of the above mentioned are [conspiracy theories], although they can certainly lead one to think they are) but many do comethe notion (in error) that progress is positive and that the latest and greatest can't possibly pose to mind. I like to think the only evil thing at play here is man's despicable love of money...

Again I was actually able to tell something of a story in my blog today. It must mean that something is getting better.

Almost Normal

Almost normal today. Rough start as usual... still night sweaty but no panic last night (with the help of Ativan...)

Met with my functional doc and we'll try magnesium, 5-HTP, taurine, and l-threonine and see if that helps. I sure hope so. Today was almost normal. I'll leave it there before I start thinking of what might happen.

Then I found out I might get fired because I reduced my course load this term and in the heat of it all forgot to sound the alarm to the bureaucratic workings of the university... don't know what I'll do without my job... it's the only thing I have going for me. I guess I can show up to the job and just tell them to go ahead and not pay me. It's not like I quit my classes because I caught a cold or just decided I didn't want to take the classes... hopefully it can get sorted out. I really hope so.

Today I registered for three classes for next term. That is Japanese 4th year speaking part II, Korean 1st year part two (I really need to bite the bullet and learn Korean... I can understand a lot of speaking but can't express anything myself), and an Honors College Lit class. If I'm going to be stuck at uni for another year then I might as well just stay to write a thesis and finish the honors college classes despite my aversion.

Korean is pretty hard at my school... it's pretty project, activity, and memorization oriented but class is really the only thing that motivates me to study it even though I really want to learn so I can communicate with my husband's family. Japanese class really isn't that way... even when there are projects they are no way near as intense.

Look at that. I'm writing about something other than feeling sick. That must mean something is getting a little better.

But I'm really bent out of shape worrying if I will loose my job... I think my situation warrants and exception to the bureaucratic rule mumbo jumbo. I'd feel so guilty telling my student "I can't meet you anymore, I've been feeling sick, doctors can't tell me why, but I'm working on it... though I had to drop some classes..."... because I really like her and she thought highly enough of me to request me as a tutor this term. I suppose I would ask permission if I could just continue to tutor her without pay... if they want to stick to the rules that hard. But I really couldn't continue the classes. The first 4 weeks of school were just nuts and then the most recent 4 weeks have been more insanity and trying to recover. Even without studying though, I got 67 on my first bio exam and 65 on my first physics exams. I do know that I would've never been able to make it through looking at what the weeks since I dropped the classes have been like.

I thought I would have made a good doctor or naturopath. Or both. But I'm just not cut out for the bureaucratic requirements, course requirements, grade expectations. I don't function that way anymore. I can get through in subjects I have innate ability in such as foreign language (but that isn't so good because I have little contact with friends now... it's the horrible feeling of being an outsider in your own life...) My Japanese would be so much better but I haven't been able to go to International Coffee Hour once this term (the most lively meetings are the first in the term anyway, it peters out toward the end when the same old faces and same old groups of friends come together... much harder to get in to get to know people, maybe it's just something I imagine but it does feel harder when everyone already knows who they like to get drunk with on the weekend...) And I can't even keep up with the exchange students when I am feeling healthy... feel like you gotta be the one to initiate everything... they don't have the same course load (although I am sympathetic to the issues of adjustment, cultural differences, and perhaps not feeling comfortable just asking people to do things... they are out of their element... having a lot of fun... but still out of their elements)

Proof that I was happy once? Jan 1st, 2007, Ichinomiya, Aichi, Japan OSHOGATSU

And maybe deep down this whole time I really have just wanted to go back to Japan, or at least in my area of passion. Although I cannot say that I am not passionate about wanting to help people and see more right than wrong in this world, or at least look at the medical issues from different perspectives. There's deep conflict in my personality and ambitions... maybe it's because I'm two star-signs? But they sort of work together. Sagittarius/Scorpio. Sagittarius is always on the move and looking for action... and Scorpio is intense, vengeful, and perceptive. But I'll just have to put those things behind me. But I don't see how those elements couldn't work together.

Sorry about the wonky formatting... I couldn't figure out how to do away with the underline.

Cautiously optimistic that this might be turning around, cautiously. That does not mean that I am not freaked about what's been going on, the future, and what's going on with my job. But I really hope my boss trusts me and that there is something that can be done... I do have the documentation to prove that things have been going crazy.

Good Night's Sleep and Feeling a Little Better

Yay! I was able to get a good night's sleep last night. It didn't stop me from sending a worried message to my primary doc... asking where I could go for help for this since we weren't really getting anywhere together (but I think my doc is pretty sharp, my case is just too complicated for 15 min. office visits which is the name of the game in modern med. in America.) Didn't take any meds either. I also had to ask for some documentation of my visits so I can turn them in with the petitions to withdraw without a W from my classes due to extended illness.

I'm off to ride the bus to take a Japanese test, and since I withdrew from my other classes I can just come home and rest, or do some other restful activity. Maybe I really do just need this resting period... need my diet to be good. The weather is sunny (rare around here), and the test shouldn't be too hard. Japanese is my strong point. My schedule has been pretty much go-go-go since I came back to the uni in Winter 2008... taking summer classes, working... it's no wonder that a crash and burn had to occur.

It's ridiculous, but I think I really might have a parasite. I ate a bell pepper that tasted moldy (raw) a little before all this started... I eat sushi... I should spare everyone the details, but lets just say my husband thought he saw little invaders and I've had a few other parasite-y symptoms. Everytime I bring this up to the doc they say no way it's impossible, like life in America is parasite free. In other countries they still take herbs annually for annual de-worming, At least my Korean husband said this is the case in Korea. But I'm kind of in a vulnerable state right now so I don't want to take anything real strong...

Plans for the weekend? I guess not really, but if I'm still feeling better maybe I will try to get to a party a friend invited me to. I'm as sick of sitting around the house as anyone can imagine. It is Halloween... in my neighborhood only one child came to the house last year. I was handing out pencils and little clif-bars. Dunno if I wanna hand and everyone's favorite sweets... who knows what's in them.