Change

"I don't remember how that day started. I certainly didn't think my life would change at all. The day was the result of change. School had ended the day before, I'd gone home to do my normal chores and to sleep, and then I was awake again. Change can happen as simple as that-just closing your eyes, and opening them again. No matter what, when you open your eyes the world will not be the same as the world you left by shutting them."

From a story I wrote years ago, in high school. The opening paragraph. However, it sums up a lot of feelings I'm going through right now.

I went to my naturopath today. We're reassessing the situation and hopefully will be on the move soon. In the meanwhile, Ativan is the only thing that is bringing me some relief but it also drugs me and makes me feel as uncoordinated and wonky as I'm feeling in the first place.

I was able to make it through class and tutoring easily today, but still feeling much trepidation and worry about what's going to happen and if I will ever feel better or not.

Peace out.

Spoke too Soon

***

Well, seems like I spoke to soon yesterday. It was nice to have the brief moments of clarity... and then the feelings came over me all of a sudden at just about the time I got off the computer. Some things are starting to come into place for me... fear of MS or a brain tumor is lifting... but I definitely think there is something neurological to all of this.

I suspect dysautonomia. It's a confusion in the autonomic nervous system. That means things I used to take for granted, say, being able to wake up with a general idea of how I would feel throughout the day, and even the next day, are no longer guaranteed. Also why I have attacks of strange feelings that can be mistaken for anxiety. And of course, worrying about all of this certainly results in feeling anxious.

I found this website:

http://www.dynakids.org
There are great articles in the resources section.



It's a little suspicious that with the exception of the Yellow Wiggle, all the affected there are pubescent girls and young women. Perhaps it has something to do with the developing female hormones and... childhood/young adult vacs...

My mother had similar although not as debilitating symptoms at my age.

Flares/Initiation of the disease are set off by a variety of factors, including viruses and chemical exposure. No surprise considering that I had a viral illness then was shot up with 3 vaccines containing neurotoxic activated aluminum... in conjunction with viral particle nasties, MSG, Polysorbate and other roach killers. ANYWAY this current flare followed an effort by a naturopath to get my immune system moving... and then it was going-going-gone... I had a bad seasonal flu virus... and the diet change. Had also been doing saunas and mineral baths that may have pulled some minerals out of my system, temporarily overloading it with prior stressors.

Things that make disorders in the dysautonomia family better? Well, salt (minerals), lots of water (i.e., enough blood pumping through the veins) Most people don't see improvement on the allopathic "medications." So here's to weathering this storm. Hopefully it will be over soon.

It's Friday and I feel regretful that I have not hung out with my friends but once this term when my friend invited me to his birthday party dine-in at his place. That was fun. Everyone's been busy. Can't blame people for not wanting to be around me.

I could ask my Dr. to tilt-table test me... but this test has been sufficiently completed at the dentist's office. Twice I visited the dentist this year. The first time I remember when I was tilted back I was fine, and then immediately I had the strangest feeling come over me. Like a panic attack, but for no reason. I am not afraid of the dentist. I sort of groaned a little because I wanted more than anything to sit up... hell... go ahead and perform the procedure but the position was killing me.

And then, the next time I visited the dentist this year (the filling wasn't perfect on my bite and I was getting holes in my bottom tooth) the exact same thing happened, luckily it was a shorter procedure.

And laying down in bed, especially if my pillow is not big enough, is often an ordeal. I'm not going to deny that there isn't a definite anxiety component to this BUT I do know there is something more than anxiety alone at play here. And don't try to tell me its some kind of mistaken notion. Thanks to this flare up I've got to go back to all the "cognitive behavioral" stuff... trying to turn my thoughts around. And I guess even take celexa again (although if my problem is with blood pressure I don't know how that would do anything to help.) My blood pressure is consistently low low low at the drs office and my heart rate always consistently high high high.

Why couldn't it just be something simple... like a broken arm... that people know how to fix...

My horoscope is right. The change has to be inside of me.

On Mercury Detox

LINK: http://www.ultrawellness.com/blog/mercury-part-ii

Good website detailing mercury detox protocol. I'm not about to do anything by myself because I'm afraid there will be further exacerbations. Same for anyone out there looking for help. Don't do it alone. Anything is worth a try. First stop: building up my nutrition. Kinda tough now because I have no appetite. It really feels just like when I got sick in summer 2007. I remember I would have fitful, very scared nights. I feel tremendous guilt for putting my host families through that. On top of that, whatever is going on with my system has my hormones really out of whack and I have all the symptoms of PMDD. Seeing my PCP on Monday but pretty sure I'll just get sent out with a perscription for allergy med and SSRI... good thing I'm also seeing someone who might be interested in doing some functional analysis. It's a mystery.

Hopefully I'll go back to my normal level of sub-functioning soon and no permanent damage is being done. Toxicities can mimic MS... and perhaps MS is a misdiagnosed form of environmental toxicity. Just a theory that should be investigated. Anyway, the point is people have exacerbations but there are also pseudo-exacerbations. Once the inflammation goes away, given time and extended periods of health, the brain has the proven ability to regenerate and heal itself, or redirect messages through areas of the brain that are not damaged. If damage occurs in the spine the same flexibility isn't there...

Gee I wish this is what they taught in biology class. I would have got better grades. But when I was in biology class we were learning about the amino acids (yay histidine... histamine.. all this stuff...) but I didn't get far enough to study how it all actually worked.

Ingredients in the Vaccines I had prior to everything changing:

Gardasil: (from link http://www.offtheradar.co.nz/vaccines/52-gardasil-ingredients.html) Dang that off the radar site is good. It also makes sense with the link I posted yesterday about why putting histidine in with all these toxins is simply not a good idea.

Aluminum 225mcg

Animal and human studies have shown aluminum can cause nerve cell death and that vaccine aluminum adjuvants can allow aluminum to enter the brain, as well as cause inflammation at the injection site leading to chronic joint and muscle pain as well as fatigue.

Sodium Borate 35mcg

This is the main ingredient in Boric Acid. Powdered Boric Acid is often used to kill cockroaches. Sodium Borate is now listed as a dangerous poison. Symptons of Sodium Borate poisoning are very similar to many of the side effects being reported with the Gardasil vaccine.

Polysorbate 80 50mcg

Although Polysorbate 80 is a food additive that enables solubility of flavouring oils with water, injection is quite different. Polysorbate 80 injected into prepubescent rats caused a rapid growth of reproductive organs, but growth was abnormal and the rats were sterile, unable to have children. When used intravenously with vitamins it has been known to cause anaphylactic shock. According to the Polysorbate 80 MSDS, it may be a carcinogenic, (cause cancer), as well as a mutagenic, (birth defects).

L-histidine 0.78mcg

L-histidine is an essential amino acid which is a precursor to allergic reactions. It stimulates the inflammatory response of skin and mucous membranes (one possible cause of the allergic reactions reported). It is also responsible for forming metal bearing enzymes (such as the toxic metal storage protein metallothionein). Metals such as zinc, copper, and nickel are transported by binding to L-histidine and the binding is essential for excretion of excess heavy metals. Many parents of autistic children are quite familiar with Metallothionein and MT deficiency.

Sodium Chloride 9.56mcg

Common salt

Yeast Protein 7mcg

This is a hidden form of MSG, as it creates synthetic free glutamic acid in the processing, which in simpler terms is MSG. Most vaccines contain some hidden form of MSG (eg hydrolysed gelatin) as this feeds the live virus.

Menactra:

5oo mcg Aluminum

Hepatitis Vaccine:

Formaldehyde. 2.66 mcg

Couldn't really find the ingredients for the other two vaccines. They're pretty well hidden. It doesn't look like I was exposed to Thimerosal but I'm sure I was as a child as I made it through all the scheduled shots without issue. Just need to keep telling myself that I have recovered from this before therefore I should be able to recover from this again. 頑張ろうね。

So Frustrated

; _ ;

Chest pain, palpitations, mostly left side and in arm but also feeling on right side tonight. Can't really talk to anyone in my immediate circle, I've hit the "dead horse" that is trying to figure out why I'm feeling so sick. My parents are convinced that progesterone is a miracle problem and it will cure all my ills. Aren't open to the idea that parasites could be a part of this... even though the evidence is *ahem* in the toilet. And my husband is just too tired after staying up all night studying for a midterm.

Don't know who to talk to so I'll just write in this blog. Then I can keep track of how I'm feeling.

Makes me mad that they say "oh you're just feeling bad because your hormones are out of line." They're reading books on PCOS and stuff, but meanwhile I feel like they are tuning out what I have to say. They are as blinded as the Drs who form their opinions of you the moment you walk in the room. YES my hormones are out of line, but there must be an underlying reason. And, if progesterone cream was such a miracle, then taking it should have leveled me out. And who cares if it levels out my emotions if the rest of me still feels sick and falling apart? It makes me break-through bleed and I suspect instead of having a period this month... well I just got a gigantic cyst that I'm waiting to dissolve! (I'm hoping it will, and wondering if it couldn't be related to parasites...) You're not supposed to stay on hormones that are not your own, the endocrine system works in negative feedback loops and responds to the level of progesterone in the system. If there is progesterone, it does not have to produce it.

And all the happy healthy college students are living it up on Halloween.

Mailed Dr. Flannery to ask if he ever works collaboratively/through/with/consults Drs. I sure hope so, and of course the Dr I have will have to agree.

Feeling really lonely and like this will never end...

Symptoms Over Time, Specialists Seen and Tests Done

Symptoms Over Time after Receiving Gardasil Vaccination (Related or not, they are what they are) most symptoms come and go but "flares" in which old symptoms return or intensify are still felt.

June 2007

-anxiety, difficulty sleeping, "feeling weird"-heat sensations down arms, creepy crawly, urge to move, nausea, irritable bowel, eyes feel strange, chest pain, rapid heart beat (unexplained)

July 2007

-hair loss, weight loss, intensified anxiety and difficulty especially in evening time, afraid to fall asleep especially when alone (which was very hard during study abroad to Japan)

CBC normal, slightly elevated lymphocytes

August 2007

-continued symptoms, after trying beta blocker experienced first heart palpitations, continued heart palpitations, dizzy spells,

September 2007

-experienced first hot flash while on zoloft

Tried: neurologist (MRI, with follow up CT when an "air cell" was seen, not suspected as cause for symptoms), cardiologist (holter monitor, ECG (also done multiple times in Japan... Drs. pitying me performed it free of charge)stress test, cardiac MRI, have had extended Holter Monitor Follow up Since then) pediatrician (lyme (probably not a good test), CBC, metabolic panels numerous time, naturopath (cortisol found to be low in saliva tests) Vitamin D deficiency-suspected adrenal fatigue, used nutrition/vitamin IV therapy and supplements, dermatologist (for hair loss, no testing requested)

January 2008

After much prodding from my friends (I'm grateful for) urged me to go to college breaking me out of a deep situational depression when I felt I could control nothing in my life and that nobody would ever be able to help me, but have received sense of warmth from naturopath and alternative physicians, worst experience has been--- I MADE IT TO COLLEGE!

-one night sweat episode

-intermittent evening "feeling wierd" spells, call parents in tears when it happens

Continued efforts with naturopath: nutritional treatments (fatigued after them)

May 2008

-met a boy first term at college, turned out to be the one (currently married, don't got the paperwork yet though)

-first LARGE floater noticed... eyes just seem to be deteriorating

-menstrual period absent for 3 months, jump started with progesterone pill,

-weight gain

PCOS DIAGNOSED

Winter break 2008-2009

-Went to Korea (my husband is Korean), node on neck became irritated and swollen, caught a cold toward end of trip... suffered through winter term with

MONO- liver involvement highly elevated liver enzymes, nausea, swollen nodes and tonsils, haven't recovered since. Add this to the relapsing, remitting symptoms previously addressed, chronic fatigue definitely not helped by this

Summer 2009

-dizzy spell, went to ER, not knowing my history of course no tests were ordered and I was diagnosed with "dizziness"

Fall 2009

-working with Functional Medicine Dr., "paleo-mediterranean diet", drinking protein shake... raw vegetables irritated G.I. tract... adopted strict diet and am for the most part 100% organic foods

Winter

-at end of winter term, diagnosed with gallstone (don't attribute this so much to gardasil but to a poor diet (I ate school cafeteria food growing up), surgery to remove the gallbladder

Summer 2010

-brief respite from symptoms, riding bike everyday for about 1 hr, playing tennis with a sweet neighbor girl who my husband and I just adore, hanging out with friends, rediscovering old passions for crafts and art, don't have the same attention span for it... but taught myself how to knit and crochet...

neck and throat nodes, glands swelling, glands under tongue swollen since cold infection in spring term...

Tried: attempted the "paleo" diet... eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, lean protein... progesterone cream

Fall 2010:

-exacerbation of symptoms following similar pattern

-complex ovarian cyst, right side (scared that this is going to need surgery 3*3 cm) painful, thought it was appendicitis! yikes!

-more/increased eye symptoms (hopefully when the flare goes away then my brain or whatever is irritated will heal and these will resolve somewhat)

-for the first time before 2007 having difficulty functioning due to worry about symptoms

Winter 2010-2011:

-problems have gone away, feeling much better, a lot of help from acupuncture

able to participate in ballet 3 x a week and didn't miss any school except for a really bad cold 2/20 ish, periods regulated... acupuncture is amazing!