Almost Normal

Almost normal today. Rough start as usual... still night sweaty but no panic last night (with the help of Ativan...)

Met with my functional doc and we'll try magnesium, 5-HTP, taurine, and l-threonine and see if that helps. I sure hope so. Today was almost normal. I'll leave it there before I start thinking of what might happen.

Then I found out I might get fired because I reduced my course load this term and in the heat of it all forgot to sound the alarm to the bureaucratic workings of the university... don't know what I'll do without my job... it's the only thing I have going for me. I guess I can show up to the job and just tell them to go ahead and not pay me. It's not like I quit my classes because I caught a cold or just decided I didn't want to take the classes... hopefully it can get sorted out. I really hope so.

Today I registered for three classes for next term. That is Japanese 4th year speaking part II, Korean 1st year part two (I really need to bite the bullet and learn Korean... I can understand a lot of speaking but can't express anything myself), and an Honors College Lit class. If I'm going to be stuck at uni for another year then I might as well just stay to write a thesis and finish the honors college classes despite my aversion.

Korean is pretty hard at my school... it's pretty project, activity, and memorization oriented but class is really the only thing that motivates me to study it even though I really want to learn so I can communicate with my husband's family. Japanese class really isn't that way... even when there are projects they are no way near as intense.

Look at that. I'm writing about something other than feeling sick. That must mean something is getting a little better.

But I'm really bent out of shape worrying if I will loose my job... I think my situation warrants and exception to the bureaucratic rule mumbo jumbo. I'd feel so guilty telling my student "I can't meet you anymore, I've been feeling sick, doctors can't tell me why, but I'm working on it... though I had to drop some classes..."... because I really like her and she thought highly enough of me to request me as a tutor this term. I suppose I would ask permission if I could just continue to tutor her without pay... if they want to stick to the rules that hard. But I really couldn't continue the classes. The first 4 weeks of school were just nuts and then the most recent 4 weeks have been more insanity and trying to recover. Even without studying though, I got 67 on my first bio exam and 65 on my first physics exams. I do know that I would've never been able to make it through looking at what the weeks since I dropped the classes have been like.

I thought I would have made a good doctor or naturopath. Or both. But I'm just not cut out for the bureaucratic requirements, course requirements, grade expectations. I don't function that way anymore. I can get through in subjects I have innate ability in such as foreign language (but that isn't so good because I have little contact with friends now... it's the horrible feeling of being an outsider in your own life...) My Japanese would be so much better but I haven't been able to go to International Coffee Hour once this term (the most lively meetings are the first in the term anyway, it peters out toward the end when the same old faces and same old groups of friends come together... much harder to get in to get to know people, maybe it's just something I imagine but it does feel harder when everyone already knows who they like to get drunk with on the weekend...) And I can't even keep up with the exchange students when I am feeling healthy... feel like you gotta be the one to initiate everything... they don't have the same course load (although I am sympathetic to the issues of adjustment, cultural differences, and perhaps not feeling comfortable just asking people to do things... they are out of their element... having a lot of fun... but still out of their elements)

Proof that I was happy once? Jan 1st, 2007, Ichinomiya, Aichi, Japan OSHOGATSU

And maybe deep down this whole time I really have just wanted to go back to Japan, or at least in my area of passion. Although I cannot say that I am not passionate about wanting to help people and see more right than wrong in this world, or at least look at the medical issues from different perspectives. There's deep conflict in my personality and ambitions... maybe it's because I'm two star-signs? But they sort of work together. Sagittarius/Scorpio. Sagittarius is always on the move and looking for action... and Scorpio is intense, vengeful, and perceptive. But I'll just have to put those things behind me. But I don't see how those elements couldn't work together.

Sorry about the wonky formatting... I couldn't figure out how to do away with the underline.

Cautiously optimistic that this might be turning around, cautiously. That does not mean that I am not freaked about what's been going on, the future, and what's going on with my job. But I really hope my boss trusts me and that there is something that can be done... I do have the documentation to prove that things have been going crazy.