Sunday, November 14, 2010

Two Good Days and Backslide

I gave a homeopathic remedy from my naturopath a try the other day... along with the 5-HTP and basic multivitamin I've been taking and had a very good night Thursday...

Friday I felt basically normal... weak and tired... but basically almost normal. I rode my bike to school, went confidently to the grocery store before riding home and ate a slice of pizza. Probably no good... no documented gluten sensitivity yet but I guess even people without gluten sensitivity can be negatively affected by it. Who knows. Sick of thinking about the world so critically when I just want to live. I just want to eat whatever and go out with friends... although I'm basically estranged from all my friends right now.Kinda have what I don't feel is an unfounded suspicion that they just think of me as someone who "always doesn't feel good." And I get really sick of being a wet blanket... so I guess it's for the best that I'm so distanced from everyone right now. Everything seems to be falling into place for everyone. I remember that feeling in the past... but it just feels like such a distant memory... almost like none of those wonderful things ever happened. And I wouldn't want to ruin such beautiful feelings for anyone. Although I feel so crushingly alone. So guilty for my family having to go through this.

I had energy to pick some stuff up around the house... tend to my birds as I wish I'd been able to tend to them throughout this whole flare up... I felt holey moley the worst actually might be over. My dad came and we had a good night... able to eat dinner heartily and then watch a movie... then just go to sleep and fall asleep without further ado.

Saturday I also felt good although I craved onion rings in the worst way. I also had a hamburger. And I ate a bunch of snack foods... so many things I truly have no idea what triggered last night's set-back. And I was fine until I went to try to sleep and then so many symptoms came back and I felt just awful all throughout my body in ways the English language doesn't even really have words for. So I'll leave it at that. Couldn't sleep until I took .5mg of an Ativan at... 7:00 am.

This has got to end... uggh I just wish I knew what triggered this. I'm sick of feeling miserable and making everyone around me miserable. On Saturday (before the evening) I almost thought it was time to let all my friends know "Oh my gosh, I'm feeling better now! I think it's over... let's hang out... time to pretend it never happened" and that things would get back to normal.

But I guess all that is just a pipe dream.

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